please come

I'm feeling a little lost at the moment. I'm just...I'm kinda overwhelmed at all these things happening to me, as if what was on my mind even before all this was not enough to muddle me up like this.

I've prayed so many times for God to just...take the wheel. Take over, because I can't do this anymore. But I don't understand how that is meant to work. I don't have much of a clue at all. That is the thing with our Christian walk. No matter how far along we go with God, the only things that we can do stay the same: pray, read his word, meditate on his word, obey his word, share his word. I hate to say this, but it is so so difficult to do all those things at once. And yet it should be expected of every Christian. It's just...aghh! I don't even know how to describe how it feels. It's just kinda hopeless. I pray and I pray but nothing happens because I don't fulfil some other criteria? Is that it? I don't know! I wish that God would just take me over and use me. I want to be His. I want to give all of myself up to Him, because I have no use of my own life, it's pointless. I want so much to give myself up I just...I just don't know how! I can't get past my own selfish desires. Even though I have a desire to follow God, I am just so weak! Why does it seem like my desire to know God is weaker than my desire to satisfy myself? Is it only that way because I can't see or feel the benefits of serving God, as opposed to serving myself? Why is nothing working for me!!

I remember how when I was boarding, I would read the bible everyday, soak it up and love it so much. It was all fresh to me then, because I was reading the books for the first time. But now that I've read them I've grown complacent, I think I know them already. I think there is nothing else there to discover. I know that I am so, so wrong, but how do I stop this complacency?? How do I start yearning for His word again, how do I read it so it is fresh, how can I love it as much as I did when I first read all of it?

This dryness...I convince myself that God's hand is still on me, that I will look back one day and see that God has used this time to develop me as a person. This is the painful growing stage. Maybe. But it really doesn't seem like it at all because I am not moving anywhere. I have not grown much closer to God for a while. Or at least if I had, I don't feel like it was of much significance now.

I remember that one moment - that one very moment I felt the closest to God I'd ever felt in my entire life. At that moment all I could think about was how much I loved Him, how I could never do without Him, how great He was, how unbelievably good, how undescribably loving. I couldn't stop my heart from pouring out my adoration. It was just such a beautiful moment. And I thought I was changed forever by that one moment, because finally, Jesus was TRULY my closest friend. I'd been praying and longing for it for ever, so, long.

How wrong I was. Things did not get any easier to bear. I suppose it even got harder, especially weighed against my expectations that things would get better. After a while I slackened off again, like I always do. And here I am, again, yearning to give God what He is due.

I wish I could juggle all this better. I wish I had the discipline to use my time more wisely.

Spend lots more time with God.
Spend more time on my studies, doing my homework and much-needed revision.
Spend time with my family.
Spend time serving the church.
Spend time nurturing friendships.
Spend time pursuing my own interests.

At the moment I'm failing at every single one of those things. It feels hopeless. And even when Jesus has comforted me, I later walk away from the refuge He provides me. Again I start feeling like things are too much for me, that I don't understand anything, that things are just too messy, that they're going too fast, or too slow.

Oh Lord...I beg you. Help me. It looks like I'm doing fine but I really feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything. That I've betrayed you again. That I am not worthy. That maybe my prayers were not sincere, because nothing is happening. Is there more that I need to do? Oh Lord I can't do any of it without You! I am so small, so weak, I'm just so fragile and it takes so little for the devil to trip me up. Lord Jesus...won't you come and hold my hand and walk with me? Won't you come, and give me grace to defeat myself and do your will? God I want to love you so much better than this. I really really do. I thank you that I know you will never give up on me. But Lord I pray for your presence from this very moment, guiding my heart in everything I do. Lord may everything in my life be worthy of you, because of what you have done for me. Lord Jesus I need you so much now. I don't know how else to say it. I need you. Please help me. Save me Lord. Lift me from this pit and I will praise you! Lord how I long to praise you again with a heart full of thankfulness, a heart freshly revived! Lord Jesus come! Please come. Amen.


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2 Peter 3:14-18 (New American Standard Bible)

Therefore, beloved, since you look for these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless and blameless, and regard the patience of our Lord as salvation; just as also our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given him, wrote to you, as also in all his letters, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which the untaught and unstable distort, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures, to their own destruction.

You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own steadfastness, but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

2 Peter 3:14-18 (The Message)

So, my dear friends, since this is what you have to look forward to, do your very best to be found living at your best, in purity and peace. Interpret our Master's patient restraint for what it is: salvation. Our good brother Paul, who was given much wisdom in these matters, refers to this in all his letters, and has written you essentially the same thing. Some things Paul writes are difficult to understand. Irresponsible people who don't know what they are talking about twist them every which way. They do it to the rest of the Scriptures, too, destroying themselves as they do it.

But you, friends, are well-warned. Be on guard lest you lose your footing and get swept off your feet by these lawless and loose-talking teachers. Grow in grace and understanding of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Glory to the Master, now and forever! Yes!