overwhelming

I remember what it was like living in those conditions. I remember slowly going crazy to the point of shaking, especially in the moments when I lost my hold on God. It was so hard not to be selfish, hard not to just clam up and refuse to hear anything. It was hard to love, to tolerate, and after a while, to even care. It really was too big of a mess for any of us. And I've hardly thought about what I left behind. I've been trying to carve out my own life, and mostly, it's been working out for me.

But I remember now, and I feel guilty for leaving others to carry my load. I was the one who was meant to help carry theirs. It's just so hard to understand, how the separate threads of our lives are meant to interweave. What does God intend for each of us? What is He trying to bring out? Why does it involve casualty like this?

I plead with God to work in this situation, because I know He can. I know He will, when I ask in faith. He wants me to ask, to invite Him to step in with power. Ohhhhhhhhhhh it would be nothing short of a miracle, to change a heart like that. To change all our hearts, each in its own way.

God has been really good to me. He kinda always is. I've been overwhelmed again, at the way He comes and seeks me out - no kidding. He extends His love to me when I am least deserving of it, and that's exactly when it means the most to me. It blows my mind that He would actually come after me, when I run away, when I wrong Him.

Sometimes I wonder if God is angry at me. It makes me afraid to approach Him. I end up avoiding Him. And then what happens? He whispers forgiveness in my ear. He who should be angry.

Even when I have chosen to go my own way, and have hurt myself that way, He is there the moment I call. He is there in the dead of night when my heart reaches for help. I don't even need to say a word.

Yea, this is the God I worship. I don't love Him because I need Him, but because He has already satisfied me.