early morning again

I guess I'm up early again. It's 3:30am.

I just finished watching Ichi Rittoru no Namida (One Litre of Tears), and I'm so cried out, maybe I did cry a litre of tears. Maybe not. Haha...But how is it that I felt a pain so...familiar? We're all quite alike after all huh.

Something else I realised from the story...Asou Haruto was entirely fictional.

*

It aches terribly to see someone I love so much suffer in a way I don't even understand. I know that no one loves me more in this entire world, and yet I see it fail. I see it lash out. To hurt me. What do I do? I realise that maybe no one loves this person more than I do. Yet not me. Because when I see me, I see selfishness, ugliness. I see pride, impatience, greed. Any love in me has been God. God has been loving through me...it has been Him.

But why. Why does every heart have this hope? And why is it so bleak? Why is it that we do the things we don't want to, say the things we never meant to, stretch out for things we cannot reach?

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.
- Proverbs 14:10

This verse has been coming to mind all week. Whether I'm with my family or my closest friend, I feel unreachable. I've heard it from teenage lips, "No one understands me." And I've heard it from a mouth worn with lines, "No one understands me." In tough times we each cry out to be heard, and it seems like no one hears. Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I gotta find some way to drop it all, to run after Jesus Christ. Jesus...His eyes pierce me, although I've never seen them. There is something in His selfless love that I know is simply not of this world. Something I experience...fleetingly, but always overwhelmingly. It makes everything ok. More than ok.