evil, ugly, empty

I feel like a huge tangled mess of contradictions.

I saw this on the back of a bathroom door at uni:
"Our greatest pretences are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."

I saw this last week, but it's been ringing in my mind for the past couple of days. It's weird, cos I've been having fun and all. But I guess beneath all the busy-ness and activity, there's not much but emptiness. I'm back to being lost and withdrawn. I want company but I want to be alone. I'm back to wondering if my heart will ever truly belong to God. What is this that makes me afraid to be with Him? At church we hear about the loving tenderness of God, about His amazing sacrifice for us, although He is the Almighty King of kings, the one who called the universe into existence. I can't bear to think that every day, I scorn His love...I feel so trapped, too blind to see the real riches of His glory. Instead of running towards Him, I'm running away. And on the outside I'll admit now that it's all pretence.

I'm always so caught up with what shouldn't matter. I'm always chasing something I don't really want. But what do I really want? It's not even supposed to be about what I want. Either way I don't have the courage or the discipline to be wholehearted in my pursuit of it.

So God can and will give me everything I need to follow and know Him. I can't bring anything to the table except brokenness. I can't even bring obedience or a willing heart. I need mercy.