hands full

It's been a fairly good week I think! I've had nothing due since my international relations essay on Monday, so I've had a pretty good break (other than from law readings). Guess I'm liking uni so far...I like Thursday evenings in particular. It means that I have no class until Monday, and that there's studentlife at 5. I've been really blessed by these studentlife bible studies so far. Maybe it's cos I've never been in a cell group with so many others more mature in the faith than I am. I find that it's such a boost to my week, and I've also learned more about / been pushed towards areas of Christian life that I normally neglect eg. evangelism. We usually head out to a nearby restaurant after the study for a good dinner and more good conversation. These guys are such a blessing to me!

Things at home have gotten better too. Hot water tank is finally replaced! Hot water is definitely one of those things we just take for granted until we don't have it anymore...

Dad is back from Singapore, staying for about a week. It's been good-ish I guess...he's taken me driving a fair bit. I drove for an hour yesterday, and about 2.5 hours today. He spent a lot of yesterday doing conference calls, other than that we've just been having meals together and stuff.

I guess I'm still really shaky with this balancing act, especially where such important relationships are involved. I really want to show compassion, except that doing so means hurting someone else. I hate that I've been conditioned to be suspicious of everything. I don't know why it's so difficult to do what's expected of me. I'm really not sure how I should feel (other than confused, torn and used). I don't want to condemn anyone, but I don't want to condone either. What should I do? I refuse to pretend to feel what I don't. But maybe I ought?? I really need God to work in this situation.


So I've also been thinking about...being single (as I've always been). Sometimes it's hard, but even now, the idea of being in a relationship kinda scares me. I'm afraid of being so vulnerable. I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep God first in my heart - and I can't settle for any less. I wonder if I will ever meet someone I can trust fully and submit joyfully to. A man who will lead us purposefully. Is there someone out there with a heart after God's, someone humble, loving and wise? I can think of many such traits, but each one leaves me more convinced that I would never be worthy of such a man. What would he see in me? Ahhh just gotta trust that God knows what He's doing. Maybe one day, someone will find me. I'm definitely impatient, but I kinda don't want to meet him quite yet. I don't want to meet him until I'm someone who will build him up and support and bless him. I have a feeling that in my current state I'd just confuse and distract him.

For now I also feel like God is calling me to find my 'niche' in ministry. I'm on the worship team, but I feel like I could be doing more. I want to take up high school ministry too, just looking for an opening at the moment. I also really need to get better at juggling household chores, uni work and church. Yep, hands are pretty full as it is... I'm so glad I serve a God who satisfies.